A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” I gave away all my dead batteries today… My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”. My son once said “Dad, I’ll call you later.” I told him “Don’t call me later. I said “No, I’m half left.” I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest. If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.” I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. It was a soft drink How does a penguin build it’s house?
1forrest1 If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.” Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
“Between you and me, something smells.” The shovel was a ground-breaking invention. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an i Witness?
Because they’re shellfish Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around Want to hear my pizza joke? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal. I told her “Red.” Where did the one-legged waitress work? A server once said to me “Sorry about your wait.” I said to them “Are you saying I’m fat? What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. Our son once said “Dad, I was thinking…” and I replied “I thought I smelled something burning.” A nurse told me, “Sorry for the wait! A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here? People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. ” I replied, “It’s alright, I’m patient.” How do you make a Kleenex dance? “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.” What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? I said “No, just leave it in the carton” Why are skeletons so calm? What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A supermarket cashier once saked if I would like the milk in a bag. When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?